Thursday, January 31, 2013

"Blessed" (TBT)

This is absolutely perfect for Throwback Thursday.
We had two speakers at church tonight who really inspired me to write more about relationships and how to keep God first.
So I dug up this old Facebook "note" from
Friday, August 27, 2010, 3:42 am.
A few things that happened earlier, friends' situations, and feelings that have been building up inside of me recently led me to take a look back at all of my old notes on here and some journal entries. In those, I found a girl that I barely remember, but at the same time I remember her very well because she's not that far away. She was broken time and time again, and wasn't sure how to handle it except by letting it all out with words.
I've always trusted God and I always knew He had a plan for me, but it wasn't until this year that I gave God total control of my life. Before, I had such a tight grip on the things that I thought were right in my life that I couldn't see that God was telling me
"Just let go and let me do what I know is best."

It's SO easy to get caught up in pursuing what we want, and wanting to take total control over situations that, in reality, are entirely out of our control. That's what I was doing for so long. I told God that I trusted Him, but at the same time I held onto my own desires because it's so easy to have a vision of what I think is right for me, and do everything in my power to try and get it.

When I look back at the notes I wrote on here back in 2008 and 2009, I see the girl that tried to control her own destiny and ended up bitter and sad because she was searching and searching for the perfect guy, even though she knew God would send the right one in HIS own time.

BUT I don't regret the lessons that I've learned through all of this. I'm so glad that God allowed these situations in my life, because even though I was hurt emotionally, I came out stronger in my faith and nothing ever happened that totally jaded me or put my faith in jeopardy. Reading my notes and entries, I can remember the pain I felt each time a relationship that I was so sure was right didn't work out. But I'm almost surprised to remember those feelings. Now, I feel so detached from them, like it was someone else who had them, and not me. It's the most amazing feeling to finally be free from the chains that were holding me down. My own self-interest was holding me back. I wanted who I thought was right for me, and I figured that if I wanted it bad enough, then God would give me the ability to mold that person into who I wanted him to be. I was wrong.
I've prayed for years for a godly guy who would pray with me and for me and seek God in everything. There is nothing more attractive than a guy that is on fire for God, and doesn't care about worldly pleasures. Those are SO hard to find nowadays, but they are out there for sure. I know that now, and looking back, it's so crazy to see how distraught and hopeless I was at certain times, and to see how far I've come since then. All because I prayed and trusted God. But I had to fall flat on my face a few good times to finally look up and say, "God, I'm giving you total control now. I surrender it all to you. YOU know what's best for me, and I don't."
I am by no means perfect. No one is. And I'm not saying that I have it all figured out. I don't. I'm learning every day. I'm only 21 years old, and I still have a whole lot more to learn. That's the beauty of life. I'm just realizing that I don't need to take anything for granted. This is my life and I'm growing up (believe it or not) and being blessed by God so tremendously without even deserving it.

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

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