Tuesday, June 10, 2014

This is How a Heart Breaks

Do you remember your first real heartbreak - the first one you couldn't bounce back from?

Mine was when I was 16. Around this exact time in 2005.

Never in my life had I felt so hopeless and depressed and confused. I remember Grandma taking me to J&S and I couldn't stop crying at the TABLE. And the more I looked around and saw all the happy people around me, the more I felt like I would never be happy again. And then I felt bad because this was supposed to be a fun bonding day for me and Grandma and I needed to get it together but I just couldn't and that made me cry even more, for her sake. And for the sheer fact that I had let someone get into my life and control my emotions like this.

My mom took me to Abercrombie & Fitch for some retail therapy but literally EVERYTHING everywhere made me think of him. I cried that whole summer. What was wrong with me??? Why couldn't I just get over it? Countless days at Knollcrest pool with Alex, hashing it over. What could I have done differently? How did it go from what it was at first to how it ended? Nights were spent in Alex's room listening to songs that reminded me of him. Or at Applebee's with our moms, still talking about it. Poor Alex. Poor Mrs. Downey. Poor Mama. But they stood by me the whole time.

Wanting to send those text messages, constantly checking my phone, watching The Notebook and crying, listening to songs that made me sad, thinking about all the great times and wonderful memories, going over everything over and over in my mind... that's what I did all summer. I wondered so many times when I would be myself again and how someone I hadn't known that long could come and go and it affect me like this. I had had a couple heartbreaks before but nothing nearly this intense. Nothing had affected me this way before. Nothing had been this abrupt or shattering.

This was just the beginning. It was preparing me for the future and making me a stronger person, and I don't regret it. In times like that, when you're as low as you feel like you can go, even though it doesn't feel like it, it's a beautiful thing. The pains you feel are pains that are growing you and it's almost like a birthing process, where the old is giving way to the new and it hurts a whole lot. God is working and you have to go on faith and trust that He's working it all out according to His plan. Hold onto the great memories, but be expectant of new ones to come.

And thankfully, through it all, God has provided for me the best possible people in my life. I know that I have friends that I can call crying and they'll stay on the phone with me til I feel better. I have friends who will text me all day with advice and comfort from miles and miles away. I have friends who will go to Barnes and Noble with me and look at magazines and make me laugh and then go eat cookie skillets or Carolina's Diner with me. I have friends who offer to fast and pray with me to get answers when I need them so desperately. And of course I have a family that will fight for me. I am blessed beyond belief and forever grateful.

And that's my thought for Two-Cent Tuesday.


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