Skip to main content

About Me

My photo
Follower of Jesus Christ. Lover of people. Lover of animals. High Point University graduate. Appalachian State graduate. High school English teacher. AXΩ.

MoTD (WARNING: this one's a tear jerker)

"When all our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me..."
[[ So I have this problem where I fall asleep on the couch most nights til like 3 (if I'm lucky - 6 am if I'm not so lucky), and then I have to get up and get ready for bed, and often times I'll stay up for a couple hours and get things done that I can't usually get done during the day (ie. blog). ]]
So that's what happened tonight, and right now I'm thinking about one year ago today (and listening to sad Tim McGraw songs - probably not the best idea hah).
One year ago today, I got to hang out with my grandma and have a conversation with her for the last time ever.
If only I had known that day would be the last time...
I would've stayed longer.
I would've said "I love you" more.
We would've reminisced more.
I would've told her how much I'd enjoyed having her as a best friend.
I would've told her she was my hero.
I would've read her Bible to her.
I would've said goodbye.
But I didn't know. I didn't know, and that's something that will always, always bother me.
As I was waiting to go in her room at Hospice, I heard her talking to the doctor and telling him what wonderful grandchildren she had. She told him how we came to see her so often and how much she loved us. She didn't know I was out there listening. And pinching my hand so I wouldn't start crying. I had to be strong.
When I went in, she looked great. I thought "she'll be here for a while." She had had a great lunch, was in a great mood, had on yellow pajamas and looked so beautiful. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and I had just left a theatre work call. It was a really sweet time.
People had brought Grandma fresh flowers, and there were some pictures on the wall, but she wanted pictures of her mom to be in the room. So I went to her house to get some of her favorite pictures and put them where she could see them and feel comforted.
We talked and talked. I gave her some lotion and some Dr. Pepper lip gloss (it was all I had!).
I don't remember everything we talked about, but I do remember her saying that she was ready to go home. At first I thought she wanted to go back to her house, but looking back, I'm pretty sure she meant Heaven. She also kept saying she wasn't scared of death anymore. It was really, really hard to hear that. I just kept thinking about all the fun times we had had together for the past 23 years, and my eyes would fill with tears, but I would turn my head so she wouldn't see. I wanted to be strong for her.
Looking back, I wish I had just let the tears flow, and just hugged her and maybe we'd cry together.
Why didn't I?
Something I tell myself all the time is, "You don't have to try to be so strong all the time. It's okay to show emotion. It's okay to break down once in a while."
I wish I had broken down that day. I wish I had stayed for more than two hours. There was nothing more important, or that would even compare to getting to spend a few more hours with my grandma. Nothing.
I just wish I had known that right then, in that moment.
That night, the nurses said Grandma was calling out to Jesus, and they got her "under control" by doing whatever they do to put people out (I'm not downing Hospice, but you have to understand where I'm coming from, please).
From Sunday to Thursday, Grandma was alive, but couldn't wake up or talk to us or respond to anything. I was grateful I had gone and spent one last Saturday with her, but I'll always feel like I could've done more. I can't help it.
I'll be eternally grateful for that day, though. It's burned in my memory forever. Unfortunately, the rest of that week is too, and with it being a year since all that happened, I'm curious to see how I'll handle this week...
Sorry for the sad post; sometimes you just gotta get it out!


Popular posts from this blog

SSP for Warby Parker!

A couple years ago a friend told me about this really trendy site where she ordered her eyeglasses. I had asked her where she got such cute eyewear and her answer was  "Warby Parker!"
I went to the website and was overwhelmed by all the choices! Not only were the glasses trendy, but there were many traditional looks, and awesome colorful frames as well. There were countless options for both men and women, in prescription glasses, non-prescription, AND sunglasses!
I feel like sporting glasses rather than contacts has made a comeback in a big way, and now glasses are an accessory and make a bold statement to complete your look in addition to helping you see.
If you order from WP, you can have FIVE pairs sent to you if the glasses are "available for try-on" before you actually buy them! I have a friend who did this, and it was so easy and fun. I feel like many times, people are wary of ordering frames online since they can't try them on and see how they look, but Warb…

Dating at 28 vs Dating at 21

I was just thinking the other day. I (over) think quite often. Sometimes it's good because it causes reflection, and this reflection was good.

I never really thought about the fact that I might be dating at 28 years old. I was never, EVER in a rush to get married, but there was a time when I assumed I'd be married by now. Looking back, it's interesting to see how things have changed from the time I was 21 until now, and why it's a really good thing I am still dating at 28.

All people are different. One of my best friends met her husband at 14. I have friends in their 30s that aren't married. Each person and situation are unique.

With that being said, I know that personally, I would not have been ready for marriage at 21. Or 22. Or even 25.

Dating at 21 for me was kind of like "What can you do for me? How can you make ME happy?" At 28 I've realized it should be "What can we do for God? What will make Him happy? And how can I make YOU happy?"
I had…

The Reality of Sin

Yesterday I was blessed to sit through THREE amazing church services. Lately, I feel like I really need to absorb as much of the Word as I can on Sundays in order to thrive through the week. It is so easy to get caught up in the stress of daily life, and I've found that the best way to combat that is to be poured into through spiritual teaching. I can't pour into my students or my family or my friends or my middle school girls on Wednesday nights if I'm not constantly growing and learning. 

It's also really cool / interesting to sit at different churches with entirely different groups of people and hear the Word presented in different ways.

Different churches appeal more to families or young people or older people for different reasons.

One thing I realized as I sat in my home church yesterday morning (OakView Baptist) is that although we don't have the lights and the music and coffee, we do hear the Word in a way that really gets deep into your soul.

It's a trend …