Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas & Confusion Part 2

Well with my last post, I didn't make it to Christmas Day because it got a little lengthy. So here's the rest!
Christmas Day:
My mom woke me up saying, "Santa came!"
I thought about how glad I am that she still does that.
Ashley and I went downstairs and looked at our stuff. I took in the moment because Christmas morning only comes once a year.
I felt grateful for my gifts. I felt happy that I got Bath & Body Works stuff, just like I do every year. I do love consistency.
I felt happy as I gave the gifts I'd bought. I felt satisfaction in knowing they were appreciated and loved.
I felt close to my mom as we made food for lunch.
I felt super excited to see that Kathie Lee & Hoda on TV ( I guess I thought it wouldn't be, on Christmas Day haha).
I did think about Christmas mornings at our old house and I do miss those times.
I do miss being little and opening presents with my brother and watching Ashley open all her toys and crawl around chasing the cat with wrapping paper.
At Granny's, I thought about Christmas lunches in the past at her old house. I thought about the sound of the front door when it opened and how it would slam shut because it was so old. I thought about the creaky steps and how that house smelled and how it just felt so darn Christmasy there.
I reminded myself to cherish the past but not dwell in it.
As we opened gifts, I thought about being grateful and appreciating things.
As I watched my baby cousin Ellie run around, my heart overflowed with joy that she's a part of our family. I thought about how much excitement she brings.
After lunch, I went home and honestly felt really bummed because this is the second Christmas without Grandma. We used to go to her house for Christmas dinner, and now we're kind of at a loss for something to do. I sat in my room with the tree lights and candles on and thought hard.
I put 99.5 on.
With each Christmas song, I thought of another memory.
I laid in bed and looked at my tree and the candles and out the window at the wreaths and the road.
I thought about all the possibilites. All the options for things to do tonight. I got pretty overwhelmed.
Then I thought, "I cannot do it all. But I can pick a few cool things to do and not get mad at myself for not being able to do it all."
Mostly, though, I just missed Grandma, and I kept thinking about the song that Amy Grant sings - "Til the Season Comes 'Round Again."
That song ALWAYS depressed me as a kid, and still does. But it perfectly describes how I felt and still feel right now as I write this.
I thought, "If I could do anything at all tonight, I'd want to go to Grandma's and spend Christmas with her."
And honestly, I did cry a lot.
I knew why, but then again I didn't know why.
I knew a few things:
-I missed Grandma.
-I was overwhelmed.
-I was sad that the Christmas season was ending.
-I was upset about other things I can't control.
-I was upset with myself for not always handling things in the best possible way - the way I should.
-And I felt like time was racing too fast for me to even keep up.
With all that, I got kind of emotional. I did my best not to think of Christmas Day as being ruined. Because I knew in my mind that it wasn't. It was weird, but not ruined.
And as I went to Sheetz with my family and got hot dogs, and ate them at the kitchen table,
and as my mom drove us around to look at lights,
I realized a few things:
-Be thankful for 3 for a dollar hot dogs and FREE COFFEE.
-Christmas doesn't have to end at 12am on December 26.
-It's okay to make NEW memories - not just follow the same traditions every year.
-The most important thing is to remember the reason for Christmas, thank God, and spend time with family.
-It's OKAY for everything NOT to be perfect.
-It's okay to be silent and just enjoy looking at lights. And listen to everyone else talk as I take it all in. It's okay not to talk sometimes!
-It's okay to have loose ends, and leave it all up to God.
So as we watched Christmas movies and ate popcorn and talked to poor little sickly Honeygirl, I was thankful for the moment. I may not have shown it as much as I should have, but I'm not perfect.
Of course, me being me, I'm always gonna think, "I could've done this better" or "I should've done that" or whatever.
But my thoughts at this very moment are:
I'm not gonna be sad that Christmas is over because it's technically not. No one can stop me from wearing red and green and listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas movies!!!!!!!!! (But they can think I'm weird for it haha)
I'm gonna pretend that we still observe the ancient "12 Days of Christmas" that begins on December 25 and lasts through January 6. And if I was President, I'd force the nation to celebrate through January 6th by George!
And I'm gonna be extrememly thankful for this Christmas and what it meant to me.
I look forward to next Christmas and all the ones after that!

And God is in control, no matter what!!!!
And I still have that darn song in my mind:
Til the Season Comes 'Round Again
Come and gather around at the table
In the spirit of family and friends
And we'll all join hands and remember this moment
'Til the season comes 'round again

Let's all try to smile for the picture
And we'll hold it as long as we can
May it carry us through
Should we ever get lonely
'Til the season comes 'round again

One night holy and bright
Shining with love from our hearts
By a warm fire,

Let's lift our heads high
And be thankful we're here
'Til this time next year

May the new year be blessed
With good tidings
'Til the next time I see you again
If we must say goodbye
Let the spirit go with you
'Til the season comes 'round again

And we'll love and we'll laugh
In the time that we had
'Til the season comes 'round again


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